Friday, April 18, 2008

Today is Friday- smashed windshield

I am pretty frustrated these days.
I was at work all day on Thursday and all that I wanted to do was to come home and sit in my Eames chair. When I finally did get home, I just sat in my car in the garage, and all that I wanted to do was to go back to work. When I finally went upstairs, all I could think about was Sofia. I can't even explain the feelings that I have these days as for far too many years I have looked at myself with obfuscated code. And now, when I really need to understand what I am doing, I can't find the way back.
For about an hour, maybe more, I went to the bar, clanked some ice in a glass and feign-poured some whiskey. I then feign-pulled a few sips. Really not that satisfying, and the urges to be soothed are not quelling. At some point, not sure what time it was, I followed an urge to drive out to Sofia's house. I just wanted to sit quietly by it and stare. So I went downstairs and I got into the car I sat for a moment to stare into my decision.
Suddenly, those tiny white spiders appeared on my windshield again. I can't name the emotion that appeared once I noticed those white spindly legs, but, I do know the ultimate relief that I felt some time later-- pride.

I am not sure how I did it, but I somehow managed to climb upon my car's hood, get on my knees, and pummel those poor little white spiders into the front seat of my car.
At first, the blood smelt oddly familiar (more on that some time later) and then it became very, very slippery which made me slip off the hood and onto the floor of the garage.
I remember saying, "fucking idiot".
In the end, I had to wrap up my arm with a t-shirt and seeing as I have no friends right now, I had to get on my bike and ride out to Marin General to get looked at and fixed. I don't know how many stitches I needed (how many are needed for validation?) but, I did realized how lucky I was.
Nice, deep cut across the inside of my elbow.
Fortunately, it appeared to have aligned itself nicely with my ink.
Bike stolen.
Walked home.
Xioba