Today is Sunday- Liddell crumpled

I watched Liddell v. Rampage last night. I expected that Rampage would win, but I didn't expect Chuck to crumple. I love Chuck, and I am not sure how I feel about Rampage, but, I can say that based on what I saw last night it will be a long, long time before Rampage loses the belt. I hope that Chuck can find a way to have another fight with Rampage as I would like to see if Chuck could 'catch' Rampage. James Irvin also tore up his knee which sucks. Irvin is one tough dude. I hope he comes back.
Bad night!
Spurs lost. Good night!
Nice ride yesterday. Two hours in zone 4. A ton of climbing. It was cold out which is always tough for me. On hot days it takes an hour for me to warm up. I was about 15 minutes behind the lead group the whole day. When I finally got warm, we ended the ride. Burritos and beers.
During the ride, I sent an email to Sophia telling her that I missed her and that I wanted to see her. She responded when I was driving home.
A simple, 'Thanks'.
I called her immediately. Straight to voice mail.
About 10 minutes later she called. I could hear only silence in the background as we spoke. It sounded like she was sitting in some room by herself, and she was very guarded in her tone and her word selection. The conversation seemed a bit restrained and forced, so I pulled the car over and turned down my music. I am not one to shy away from anything, so I just asked her if she wanted to come over for the long weekend. I already knew what the answer would be, but I wanted to make her feel like she would be wounding me with her response. Indeed.
She started to cry and could barely find her words. I quietly paused and waited for her to collect her thoughts. I imagined that I was lying below some rickety, gnarled Oak tree. A gentle spring storm stirred, sending laden drops into the green, angled canopy that loomed overhead. Her words came to me like the drop, dislodged leaves. Some fluttered in wide-arched circles, others rocked side-to-side, and the ones that plummeted directly down hit my face and stuck to my skin, soaked in spring rain. A butterflies lullaby taped my emotions as her words met my feelings.
I really should not have been surprised as I was. I have treated Sophia so poorly over the past year. I have almost 15 years on her, yet I act like I am 16 years her junior. Our relationship changed from excitement into convenience within the last few months. I had always told her that we should be very open and relaxed in the relationship. That I did not want to ruin or waste her youth. She reluctantly agreed. I slept with all her friends, I insulted her family, I disrespected her. Yet, she was still loving and loyal to me. I could have chosen to be an asshole to her on the phone. I could have easily hidden from my emotions, but I did not want to disrespect her further. I thought of Lili and all of the assholes she will meet and love over her lifetime, and I knew that I just had to end this crazy, crazy abuse. I told Sophia that I deeply loved her. I told her that we needed to end this relationship until I could find some clarity and honesty in my behavior to her. I told her that her sadness upsets and hurts me since her sadness is a direct result of my actions toward her. I told her that I was tired of ignoring her, that I was tired of not listening to her, and that I was tired of dehumanizing her. I told her that I want to change my behavior, but I am unclear if I can, and I am unsure if I want to change. She began to change her tone and words and began to backtrack on her feelings and began to apologize. She said, that she could try to come over in the day or the evening and that we could certainly spend the next few days together.
I paused.
I could see myself right in the middle of enlightenment and darkness. The gray and comforting limbo of decision; present. I loved her, but did I care more about self-preservation? It would have been so easy to have it both ways. I told her about my feelings and she acquiesced her self to the power of my words. I would not be alone this weekend and she would be so much easier to control now. Sure, she may gain more knowledge and power over time, but I could always bully her back where I wanted her to be. I would get sick of her, yet, I would not be alone. I would still screw her friends, and I would not speak to her, but she would be there. I could rely on her for the self preservation of Xioba.
But, I also realized that the self preservation of Xioba also means that Fudu would still be in me as well. I want to purge Fudu from me. I have lived with his secrets for far too long, and I need to find Xioba.
I told Sophia that I needed time to get better, and that if I truly loved her like I say I do then I need to change the way that I treat her. I told her that she was worth it to me to change, but she would need to be patient and that we should probably not see each other for a while. I told her that I may not change and the risk may be that this is the 'end', and that the last memory that we will have of each other being together would be from our moment in some shitty restaurant bathroom.
I quietly listened to her cry for about 10 minutes. I did not say a word until she was ready to speak. And what I did say, probably ended our relationship. But, it had to be said.
When I got home, I had 6 or 7 messages from her on my land line. I did not listen to them.
I sat on the veranda; my first sunlit warmth of the day. I drank several Peronis and smoked half of a j. I thought about my conversation with Sophia and wondered if I was really willing to change like I said. I wondered if any change that would happen would help me in my relationship with 'yellow panties'.
Xioba