Today is Tuesday- almost june

I thought about Sophia all day today. I could hardly concentrate on my work, and I was pretty useless in my meetings. Nobody at work noticed that I was distracted: I am not sure how this makes me feel; I am not sure if this is an advantage for me, or will just turn into a liability. All day, all that I could think about was getting back home so that I could write about Sophia. It is so odd to me that I can sit here, at my desk, and write my feelings into the broad open space of the internet, but I can only find a few words to tell Sophia directly. For whatever reason, I am more open and honest about myself, my feelings when I am not emotionally attached to the audience. I have always been a great public speaker. I have always been able to engage and capture any audience greater than one. It is the one, sole listener that scares me and makes me mute. So, here I am spilling my guts into a blog that I assuming nobody will read with the hope that Sophia will find the link and see how I truly feel about her.

I look outside my office at the birds that gather around my feeder. At dawn and at dusk, they rotate in and out. First the Scrubs, Blues and Stellar's; then the mockings, swifts, and wrens; and finally the crows.

My father used to tell my siblings and me the following story about Blue Jays:
Long ago, a beautiful princess with brown eyes and brown hair lived, lonely in a castle. Her parents, the king and queen, were good decent folk and loved her very much, but they, much like she, lacked any excitement or joy. They were all colorless. Brown and gray through and through. This princess would go out into the garden and look at all the flowers and trees and think how beautiful they all were. She would gaze at all the birds and butterflies and she would envy the beautiful plumage. One night, right before she fell asleep, she sent out a question into the night air, 'Fairy Angel will you please help me be colorful? I will do anything to have color in my soul'. The next morning, when the princess awoke, she discovered a bird feeder and some bird feed. And there was a small note, written in magic potion ink, that said, 'As you wished, and as with all wishes, remember, it may not be what you truly desire.' The princess was so overjoyed that her Fairy Angel replied to her wish that she ran downstairs into the garden and set up the bird feeder. Almost immediately, the birds flocked in. Within minutes the sun was blotted out by the darting, crowing, cawing, swooping, pooping birds. And each and every poop that hit the ground would turn into a flower. And this flower would spawn into another bird. Soon, all the seed was eaten and the swarm of birds departed. But, each and every flower created from the bird poop would bloom into a flower which in turn became a bird which flitted away. Once again, the princess was sad, as all the color in her life was gone. But, the commotion of the bird frenzy was seen down in the village by many a handsome prince. And each of these princes made their way up to the castle. Hundreds and hundreds of princes filled the garden, and the moment they laid eyes on the princess they all began to jostle and fight and dance and parade in order to get her attention. They soon began to fight with swords and daggers and maces and flails. By the hundreds, then dozens, then ones they began to drop to the ground dead. When the last one was left standing, he turned his gaze upon the princess and immediately was turned into a blue jay. He flitted away. Leaving the princess to shed one, colorless tear. This tear flowed down to the corpses, turning them into flowers which blossomed birds which then flitted away.

When my father told us this story, the boys were entranced by the death and gore and the girls were obsessed by the thought of love lost.

Right now, I wish I could understand what the girls felt in that story. I want to understand how I feel about Sophia and what the loss of her means to me. I can say that I love her, and I can say that I want to be with her, but I don't know what that feels like.

I have not spoken to Sophia since she left yesterday. She has not tried to call or email me. I think she might be embarrassed. She might be over and done with me. Did she want to negate our last meeting in the bathroom at the Vietnamese restaurant with a bit more glorious memory of me coddling her vomiting body? Was she trying to show me that I really am not missing anything at all? At what point does one of us give in and reach out to the other one? I want to reach out to her and tell her that I love her, but I think that I need to wait. Do I risk losing her forever by adhering to some strange rule about relationships? Funny, I am asking questions about what to do, but I am not asking how I feel.
How do I feel?
Right now, I am not sure. I need to get back to working on me. I need to talk about my brother and his secrets. I need to talk about my experience on that ride the other day. I need to see my friends. I need to call my mom and ask her how she is. I need to call my dad and ask how my mom is.
I need some pappy.
Xioba